Wonder Woman

My latest blog author is my amazing friend, Jen McGovern. Jen and I met when I was teaching music in Stow. She is an incredible 3rd grade teacher and was one of the first teachers to truly welcome me and make me feel at home in Stow. She and her awesome husband, Dan, were in our wedding and have been great friends for a long time, even though we have moved away. Jen has always been an inspiration to me, and I hope you find what she has to say inspirational as well. She is an incredible athlete who pushes herself to things we may all not see as possible, but always is willing to encourage everyone else along the way. Here's Jen!

I’m an athlete. I’m a girl. I’m a mom.

Jen asked me to be her guest blogger this week. She said I would offer a different perspective on fitness and nutrition. I’m not sure what that means, and I don’t blog, but here goes! :)

Now, if you know Jen, you know her friends are amazing. If you are reading this, you ARE one of her friends, which means YOU ARE AMAZING! I’m writing that because I’m pretty sure in a minute you going to think I’m a total bitch. I’m not. I swear!!

But I am an athlete. I always have been. I love competition. (like really love it!!) I love sweating. I love pushing myself to the point of pain, and then doing more. I have run and swam until I threw up.  I have pushed myself until I broke down and cried. I’ve run 2 marathons, 5 half marathons, many triathlons and 5Ks, and a bunch of obstacle-like races (tough mudder/spartan/warrior dash/etc.). I have an awesome metabolism, and don’t have to worry too much about what I eat, although I am a vegetarian, so maybe those extra veggies help? (Although the sweets do not!!)  I’m 5’10” and have been within 5 pounds of the same weight since I swam in college. See what I mean. . . bitch!

(Columbus Marathon pic, Tough Mudder half marathon pic, and a pic of my trail running guys I run with twice a week--they bribed me with cupcakes on a freezing, rainy day when I didn’t want to run!)

Now, all that being said, I’m a girl. I write that because it’s important. I struggle. Like every other girl. I worry about my weight. I worry about my looks. I worry about all of it. All. The. Time. A handful of  people know that I have always struggled with self-esteem issues. My younger awkward phase lasted a reaaalllly long time. Anyway, I spent many years with a therapist, Dr. Amy, who helped me greatly. I still have her business card with the words on the back I was supposed to say in the mirror (“I am beautiful and worthy”). I was supposed to say them aloud to myself. I was never able to. But I still carry it around or use it as a bookmark. I still try really hard to believe that every day.

I bring all that up. . . and I’ll get back to it, I promise! Stay with me here. The year I turned 40 I decided it was time to branch out and try “scary” things. I take New Year’s Resolutions very seriously, so I make a resolution to try a new fitness challenge every year. Usually they involve running--my comfort zone. One year was a marathon, or other little fitness things--like going for group runs--too afraid I’d be too slow and embarrass myself. Or trail running--I’m super clumsy, have no sense of direction, and hate mud! Then, trail running in the dark with a headlamp--WOW do scary murder movies go through my mind! I’ve done them all, and been a nervous wreck the whole time, but I’ve done them. And yes, I’ve fallen down, run through mud, and gotten lost a million times! (Notice nothing with a ball or any round object. Seriously, have no hand/eye coordination whatsoever!!)

Last year’s resolution was my scariest. A fitness show. On stage. In a bikini. With judges. Now, if the thought of that makes you sick to your stomach, you’re not alone. I still feel that way! I trained by lifting weights every day, and eating clean. I mean crazy clean. No sugar, no carbs, tons of lean protein, no cheating. For 6 months!!  And I bought a stage suit, and glittery 5 inch heels, practiced posing, got a fake tan, got shiny jewelry, and I was ready. At least I was on the outside! The thing is, I can follow any workout plan you give me. I will eat any food my trainer tells me to. When I have a goal, I have will-power. But this, well, this was different. This was me. On a stage. In a spotlight. Being judged. I still cry thinking about it!! I went on-stage with the other girls, and as I was called to the front to do my posing in the figure competition, I could hear my own heels clicking against the floor when I was supposed to be still and strong. It was like they were clicking out a Morse code of “save me!”. I walked off stage and burst into tears. Not because I failed, but because I succeeded in doing something so far outside my comfort zone, and it was so freaking scary! I don’t know what’s so scary about it--other than being judged. That feeling of being not worthy. That feeling of looking around at 100 other beautiful fit women and not measuring up. Publicly! Of not being. . . enough. The thing is, every woman there was going through the same stuff, the same emotions, the same fears. I thought the girls would be all fake and catty. It was the exact opposite. I met wonderful women, beautiful inside and out. I met young girls who didn’t fit in at college because they were eating healthy and didn’t drink to compete in these shows. I met a 70 year old woman posing for the first time. I met a women who lost 100 pounds to compete, and another who gained 70 pounds after anorexia and was trying to get back her life, and one who was hoping to be strong enough in spite of her MS to not need to pose with her cane. I met amazing women, who were all hoping they were good enough, strong enough, thin enough, worthy. I was one of them, and those emotions are what drive me every day, as an athlete, as a girl, as a mom.

That figure show; as an athlete, I could understand the fitness and nutrition and get on board.

As a girl, it was so so scary, and so very emotional, and I did it anyway.

But, I’m also a mom, and oh I struggled. I struggled to fit workouts in between working full time as a 3rd grade teacher, and wanting to be with my girls (ages 7 and 9 now). I have an amazing husband who is crazy supportive of my fitness goals, and always steps up to make it easier for me. I am so lucky in my marriage. I know not everyone has that! But I also struggled to explain it to my girls. I want them to see me strong. I want them to see that fitness matters. I want them to see that being healthy and eating right fuels your body. I carefully explained that I was on a “food plan for fitness” and NOT a diet. But they saw my suit, and my heels, and saw me practicing my posing in front of a mirror. I had to explain that I was in a competition where the fastest didn’t win, and that judges would judge me on my fitness and my strength, as well as how pretty I looked while being strong. I told them I had to be like the Hulk, while still looking like a princess and not having “Hulk-face” (something my trainer always had to remind me of every time I flexed! Lol!) But at the same time, I would not let them come to my show. I didn’t want them to SEE me get judged. Not because I wasn’t proud of the work I put in, but I wanted them to know it was about strength and fitness, and not just beauty. That, ultimately, how you feel is more important than how others judge you. I so hope I got that lesson across to my girls. As my oldest is entering into her own little awkward phase, it’s so important to me that she knows about fitness, strength, and inner beauty instead of a world filled with other people judging her.

So, this year’s resolution is a half-ironman. I’ve never done a triathlon this distance, and am scared. Like super scared! I’m scared I won’t finish, that I’ll get last, that I’m not strong enough, that I’ll let down the people who come to watch. Those tiny thoughts of negativity fill my mind when I’m alone on the bike for hours, or when I run and everything hurts. You know those days. Those days where your fears are overwhelming. It’s all I can do at times to tell myself I can do it. But I do the workouts, and I eat the food to fuel them. (and I cheat sometimes with Nutella. . . mmmmm!) I try to remind my girls why I’m tired and need a quick nap sometimes (because mommy got up at 5:00 a.m. to ride 40 miles before your swim practice and orthodontist appointment!!) I try to include my girls in my workouts (I run 8 and then come home and run 1 more mile with them!) I try to be inspiring for my girls, and my friends, and my family.

Because I’m an athlete, and a girl, and a mom. And I try to be worthy of all of those titles.