Enough

This blog is going to keep going, it's just getting a slow start. 😉  I want you to get to hear from some other people in their health and fitness journeys.  Each of us is so different.  Our bodies are different.  Our souls are different.  Our needs are different.  Hearing from others means you get more perspectives as you start (continue, finish, consider starting) your own health journey.

Today, I introduce my amazing friend, Cassie.  Cassie will tell you how we met, but I will tell you what I love about her.  She is real.  She is THERE.  She supports me when I feel crazy and reminds me I'm not (completely) crazy.  She's FUN and FUNNY and I love being with her, but don't see her enough.  And she's strong.  You'll see that.  Here's my first guest blog from my amazing friend, Cassie.

Cassie came to see us at our new house over Christmas.  Of course, I had to do this... ;) 

Okay so, I’m writing this post as a guest for our gracious host Jen Rahde, who I think we all can agree is awesome and inspiring. I met Jen when we were counseling students at Walsh in 2010 and the sheer amount of support and kindness she offers to those who are willing to accept it is amazing. This is important to explicitly state, because the journey to where I am now – how I view myself, my health, my life would be profoundly different without her influence.

I’m a bigger gal. And what I mean by that is I’m about 5’7” and have a skeleton that likely will never permit me to wear pants that are smaller than a standard US size 12. (Not that sizes are standardized with any kind of sense over here, but that’s another story!) I also am overweight – not like a little overweight either. I have not been overweight forever – I was a typical sized kid and like a lot of folks who end up carrying extra fat, I had things happen in my life that were hard to deal with and I used food to cope. And looking back, it was something that felt like it snuck up on me. I was trying to figure out how to get through life as a young adult, used food to help me cope and now in addition to all the other crap I was dealing with, I also had to deal with being fat. And that’s how I viewed things and myself for a very long time. “I have all this stuff in life to take care of, do, live with AND I’m fat (and that’s ~obviously~ a problem).”

Fast forward to 2016. Beginning of January, husband and I buy and move to our house after being renters for 9 years. We’re in a new town that is very walkable, which we love. In February my husband has surgery and I’m at a tipping point with my job. I loved my work at a local mental health agency, but the stress had gotten to the point where I just couldn’t take it. By April, miraculously I found a new job where I practiced in a supportive, calm, structured environment where I was able to do my best work. And I didn’t take it home with me. And I had time for art. And I had time to be fun and be ME. And in January of 2017 I realized something profound – I was happier but something was still missing. At my core, I hadn’t been taking care of me.

When I say that, I don’t mean my weight. Weight is part of it. But in being really honest – really truthful, taking care of me is all of it. It’s getting enough sleep. It’s brushing your teeth twice a day. It’s getting showers 3 to 4 times per week. It’s scheduling and going to medical appointments. It’s eating nutrient dense food and moving. And in that January of 2017 in a journal, I wrote for and to myself that I had not been doing enough of those things.

“This isn’t a weight/food issue; at its core it’s a Cassie’s worth issue. And I have to start to believe - In My Heart - that I deserve to be taken care of and to be loved and to be healthy. …It’s scary work. It’s important work. … It’s also one of those things that seems so simple but is complex at the same time.”

And I wrote that I needed to talk to Jen because I knew she would understand. The honest truth was that taking that hard look was terrifying. Tears were shed, because I had let myself down for so many years and had been actively avoiding dealing with it, because it was too hard and too scary to tackle. Forgiveness was given because I was literally doing the best I could with what I knew, what I had, and my life situations, literally for years, until I was strong enough to get myself to a better place.

So I began with taking care of myself. First up was sleep. I was averaging about 5.5 to 6 hours per night (thank you FitBit for the lovely information) and I set a goal of having a solid bed time. Next was drinking enough water. Talking to people I care about was also critical, so they knew where I was at (emotionally, physically), and not being ashamed of it because life is just a series of beginning again. I scheduled to go to the dentist. I scheduled to see a gynecologist.

I joined Weight Watchers online on March 20^th because I needed the support with tracking. I had used the app before and decided I felt safe enough to tease apart what I had long perceived as a problem (being fat). I didn’t have any emotional break downs or hissy fits this time as in the past. I wasn’t so desperate from a reprieve from pain via food that I threw in the towel. I track daily. I talk about how it’s going with others. I’m open about using this plan to make better choices and to decrease the amount of force with which gravity pulls me to earth. Which is what weight is.

We attach so much emotional significance to how much we weigh and how we look. That gynecologist appointment I made? I found myself getting irritated that I had not lost enough to be able to tell the doctor that I had lost 5% of my body weight. My husband and I have been discussing family planning. Doctors will say, that you have a higher chance of conceiving if you lose 10% of your body weight. I wanted to be able to say, “I’m a fat person who can be validated by you, expert doctor, because I’ve already lost 5%!” Because often times our health professionals get lost in our weight and lose sight of our health, I wanted to be able to defend myself. I wanted to be seen as a woman who was healthy (because I am) and not just a fat woman. And the scale was not cooperating with my defense.

And all the progress I had made in taking care of me shrank for a moment. Because if I didn’t have that number and I couldn’t say that I had that 5%, and I couldn’t justify my value and worth (because being fat = valueless and worthless to some) then what was the point? And I got mad. I was mad at me and mad at our health systems and mad at all the messages that we get which explicitly and implicitly tell us if you have/are fat that you are less. And then I said, “Well, F*** that.

And that was glorious. Really it was. (I was also probably on an endorphin rush because I had been hiking for an hour and half.) And I voice texted back and forth with Jen furiously excited because I had reached the best conclusion: What I’m doing is enough. What I am is enough.

And that’s true. For all of us.

What you are doing is enough. What you are is enough.

It can be hard when we compare ourselves to other people, and we think of all the things we aren’t doing. (Compared to what all everyone else seems to get done). But one of the lessons my parents gave me is that they would be proud of me so long as I could say that I did the best I could do. This does not equal “being the best.” This means, “Are you doing the best you can do with what you have?” If the answer is yes. Great. I would encourage you to follow that question with, “If I had more x,y, or z could I do even better?” And I would then give you permission, if you feel ready or wanted to, to pursue the things that would help your life to be better. It may be as simple as getting more rest. It may be needing to ask for friends to listen. It may be finding a church that better meets your needs. It may be finding a counselor to talk to. It may be deciding that you want to improve your health by reducing the gravitational pull you have to the earth… It may be giving yourself the grace to rest. Because if you decide to do something or not in your life,  if you decide to make a change OR NOT – you have value and worth because you exist. You always have. And when you see it, feel it, believe it - that is the lightest, most free feeling in the world.

I don’t believe that I will never have self-doubt or anxiety about my size. I was nervous before my appointment this week. And it was fine. She was an awesome doctor. And if she hadn’t seen me and just saw my fat, I would have found another doctor. I am nervous about flying next week. I have only ever had to ask for a seat belt extender one time in all the times I’ve flown and it was very hard. I felt shame. I would prefer not to have to do that again. But if I do, I will be okay. I’m doing the best I can, with what I have. 

And that’s enough.

Cassie and her amazing husband, Alan